Relationships (12/5/25)

_{This article is mostly venting. If you're not ready for that, click away now.
I am purposefully vague here. Do not ask me to explain in more detail.}

I really wanted 2025 to be the year where I finally got my shit together. I've made a lot of progress in ways that I didn't think I would ever be able to do. But there's one big thing that I've been trying to do that I just cannot fucking figure out.

A couple years ago, I had some friends-ish turn out to be... bad. This was back when I had just recently removed myself from the drama-centric groups I had already made a name in and was desperate for friendship and community. I had a breakdown about it and made some decisions I now regret, which led to everyone on both "sides" pushing me away. I took a 2 year break from the Fediverse and from maintaining a website to "reset" myself, and now I'm back.

Recently, something similar happened that called back those same feelings from years ago. Someone who I wanted to try to be friends with decided to cut off almost all of the people that were in their Discord (including me) and followed it up with something that reminded me of a thing done to me back then. I thought I was over this already, but here I am, having the same emotions and physical anxiety that I had back then. That, on top of my total failure to find a partner despite doing everything I know how to do, just really makes me feel like I'm incapable of actually forming new relationships.

It's not that I have a hard time maintaining the long-term relationships I already have. I have people in my life that I met as early as elementary school that I love and care about and they love and care about me. It's just that every time I meet someone new in the past couple years, I just can't seem to keep them. We chat for a few days, and then we run out of things to talk about and don't talk anymore. Or, something happens and we fall out of favor. Or, rarely, I somehow manage to befriend the worst fucking person ever.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. My therapist doesn't either. I might just be unlucky. Every failure makes it harder to keep trying, but what else am I supposed to do?

Anyway, if you ever want to come talk to me, feel free.